I never want anyone going through the journey of life with mental health problems to feel alone ,if i can just help one person feel heard and important I will be happy !
When your delt the card of crazy (personal view) you really do feel like your on your own and you have to hide it at all costs , but what i would like to point out is that more often than not there will be a number of people around you fighting the same battles ! So why do we feel the need to isolate oute selves ? In my experience its to make me feel stronger! Or so i thought but in actual fact you just keep chipping away at your heart and mind with every yes I’m fine and I’m doing really well thank you ! We need to say it we must say it not only for our own quality of life but for the future of our children and loved ones !
If you broke your arm would you hide it ???? No
If you had diabetes would you hide that ? No
So why do we “cover up” our mental health ? It is not deserved nor is it something we need to live with or just like a broken arm or any other health problem it won’t have a chance of being fixed or in my case just tamed lol
We are not alone and should never feel ashamed weak or helpless because we are probably the strongest and most loving people out there and it’s time we where heard LOUD !!!!! Break the pattern !!!!
It’s hard enough having to fight your way through life with mental health issues, trying to explain to people how you feel all the time and reading there judgemental faces as they tilt their head as if it wasnt there curiosity that brought it up …
Having to make sure you take your meds everyday or youl loose it .
Having to try keep up relationships with the people you love knowing some of them will never truely understand you .
BUT you no what’s the hardest part ? Having to fight with your own thoughts and feelings for what feels like every minute of you life and only differes in severity … for eg
Why did you say that stupid remark
Why would you wear that you look fat
Dont do that it’s stupid
Are they breathing ?
Is the door locked
Is the door locked
Is the door locked……
THEY are why we doubt ourselfs ,our lifes and our looks .
THEY are always posting perfect pictures of problem free family days out, home made meals after home made meals in a well kept house all whilst looking like superstars !
THEY are the ones to comment on your downfalls when you need it the least
THEY are judging every move and decision you make.
We read magazines and look at the beautiful people, with a knot in out tummies of jealousy and hopelessness,but yet we keep turning those glossy pages and scrolling through those unrealistic posts whilst bashing ourselfs internally about our lives,looks and situations but with a calm smile on our face ! You may think this has no effect but long term this is extremely damaging leading to a number of mental struggles and sometimes worse death…..
So why do we do this ? To get tips on how to be perfect? Or because we like feeling like shit ? I dont have the answer do you ?
BUT WHAT I DO NO IS THAT THEY ARE US …..
We are our own worst enemies and often set unreachable goals for ourselfs,this needs to stop ! We must fight for our children to have a future of pride and acceptance we must teach them to love themselvs for who they are and to express individuality hopefully in turn prevent a huge number of people turning into prisoners of there own mind and body, not all mental health problems can be prevented but alot can and we have the power to help make a change for the better ! There is not one perfect person on this earth but if you can let others know of their perfections you may just lift someone from a place self hate and to me that is pretty perfect !!
Having intrusive thoughts can be extreamly isolating and trying to hide them From the world is a full time job !
Thoughts like these can cut like a knife and even make you experience Greif and physical pain, they seem to run through your mind like back to back virgin trains and trying to rationalise with them is a fight your going to loose!
We have these thoughts as our constant earge to not have them does just the opposite, if i was to say dont think of a monkey dancing what do you think ?????
But letting them be present to much can also lead us down a dangerous path ,im very much still in training trying to change my mindset but i feel having the tools to do so makes my armour stronger !
Thoughts dont always have to be justified with an action we can also let it in and straight back out again with out a complete block which as I stated before does not work! Tried and tested right here on this very spot . When we give these thoughts meaning and follow through with actions we open up to more of the same disturbing patterns again and again and again this has been my life for years living with the idea that i was just strange and compleatly broken but it was ok because no-one knew and my hair and make up was on point …
Thoughts such as … they think I’m a horrible person
They think I’m stupid
They think I’m worthless
And worse are my babies breathing I need to check again and again and again before i feel some sort of release ! This I have nearly stopped compleatly and that to me is success another peice of armour to fight the big bad brain !!!!!
But who are they you might ask ?????????
So if your anything like me accepting you need help pregnant or not is difficult and beforehand leaves you with feelings of uselessness and weak with a side of defeat!
We often have to get to the lowest of low to shout out for help and by then you need it now !!!! But unfortunately the professional help doesnt come without its problems I’m now a mother of 2 and just starting therapy I first asked for help when pregnant with my first ,this consisted of a call to the crises team begging them to get me seen to as I felt my mind was slipping away from me and any form of control I had left had gone physically and emotionaly and as you no if your a victim of your own mind its one of the worst feelings to experience, so why wait so long you may ask yourself your freind or family well in my experience we hide from the truth of mental illness as a way to pretect ourselfs and more importantly others views of us , we become the best actors and actresses you could ever see we help others with their problems and insecurity’s not only because we want to help but it makes us feel stronger for a short while till we are left with our own intrusive thoughts as distraction is exsousting and always comes to an end .
I slowly learnt that i dont have to deal with those feelings as we deserve to be happy this has taken over 10 years of struggle with depression,eating disorders,anxiety and self destruct as you can imagine or even have experienced it was a moment of peace a moment of hope feelings I cling onto like my last breath .
Prior to this I was on a very high dose of anti depressants and im not alone in that ,us sufferers sometimes feel we don’t need them or in this case i felt it was selfish to take them whilst pregnant after all my baby didn’t ask for them and isnt that selfish ? … well NO it’s not if you ever get that feeling please talk to a professional as its dangerous and extreamly distressing to do so as you have to deal with symptoms such as vomiting,shaking,sweating and worse even lower than low ! It’s not something anyone should have to experience through guilt of wanting to hurt your baby or be “strong ” as its the complete opposite to that .
Taking any medication whilst pregnant comes with a massive grey area ,all you want is someone to tell you it’s ok but they dont and never will as this cant be proved or tested , we need to weigh up whats worse being on or off your meds in my case and other who suffer its most definitely off i wish i didnt have to find out the hard way TWICE!!!!! But why do we continue to fight against what we no we need ? Be that therapy or drugs ? Well its because we constantly crave the feeling of being normal and non dependant like “everyone” else , but this is not going to happen as no-one is problem free and it takes strength and courage to accept and in turn try be the best version of you because we all deserve to be happy and how we get there is differ ent for everyone however the same advise goes ask for help use it be proud of who you are !!!!!!!
Another night same sofa ….
Its hard to accept life as a new or pregnant mom regardless of personal circumstances but for those who suffer with mental health problems are often fighting a compleatly different battle in their heads and often struggle to differentiate the socially acceptable worries and the hypothetical worries .
From a personal perspective I have suffered with anxiety most of my life and for those of you who are similar to myself will understand that this beautiful wonderful gift called pregnancy can in actual fact FEEL like a living hell ,now that sounds very ungreatful on my behalf how could someone lucky enough to fall pregnant be in any way relating that miricale to hell well let me tell you I was not prepared at all for the chaos that would follow !
For those like myself we hide away the negative feelings as we don’t want to seem ungreatful, we smile laugh and carry on with our day to day jobs whilst trying to keep it together till we get in a room alone and burst with emotions of anger,upset,hatred for ourselfs but we can’t possibly reach out what would people think ! So we keep it all in and it eats away ……
As well as coming off antidepressants (whole different story) dealing with the almighty hormones and fighting away at intrusive thoughts like some pregnant ninja ,life can seem impossible until you seek help ! Confide in a close relative or loved one !!!! We don’t have to be alone you can enjoy pregnancy (parts of it) with a mental health illness we just need the rite support network and most of all to use it !!!!!!
Tommorow I will follow with the step into how accepting help is a game changer but not problem free …..
Ps to explain the sofa situation you need to no more